Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
