just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
