He kissed a someone with a penis
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
