Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
