she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize