So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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