Welp...herpes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Randomize
