i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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