So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
