; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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