Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
