I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
