What a fucking waste of an outfit
he puts the penis in happiness.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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