dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
