my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
