I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
