How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize