he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
