I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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