We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
