There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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