When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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