Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
