I heard we made out
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
