I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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