I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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