Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize