whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize