Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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