I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
