i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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