don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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