I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize