Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
