I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
