What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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