I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize