You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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