wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
