dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
