I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize