Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
