I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
