my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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