Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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