I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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