That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
