I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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