so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
