my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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