Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
