You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
