You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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