I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
