so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
