I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
