you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
not ubering you a puppy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
