you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize