i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
