I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
