I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
