This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
