You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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