Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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