Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
